Aug 31, 2009 · Globalisation, its challenges and advantages 1. GLOBALISATION CHALLENGES AND ITS ADVANTAGES Globalization Globalization has come.
Anthropology means the scientific study of human beings. For a time in the 18th and 19th centuries it tended to mean the study of human physical characteristics, but.
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Porn will wreck the arousal process in your brain and end up wrecking your sex life in marriage. They married men who never seem to want sex. Or their husbands are never satisfied. Or their husbands call them boring or unattractive. And the root of many of these problems is porn. A boy who grew up on porn in his teens, and then managed to stop watching it in his twenties with occasional relapses will still suffer from many of these things.
The good news: There is healing! You can rebuild those chemical pathways to arousal. While some of these apply just to men, many of them apply to both genders. For sources of these claims, see the graphic at the bottom of the post. Do you remember reading about Pavlov and his dog in Psychology? Pavlov would give the dog a nice juicy steak, but right before he did he would ring a bell.
He conditioned the dog to associate ringing the bell with getting great food. Eventually Pavlov took the food away, but kept ringing the bell. The dog kept salivating at the bell, even though there was no steak, because the dog associated the bell with the food.
The same thing happens when we see porn. Porn stimulates the arousal centers in the brain. In effect, our brains start to associate arousal with an image, an idea, or a video, rather than a person.
Either you have to fantasize about the porn, and get those images there, or you have to watch porn first. The spouse is not what turns them on, and so the natural drive that we have for sex is transferred somewhere else.
In porn, everyone is turned on all the time. There is no foreplay in porn. Those arousal centers and pleasure centers in our brain are supposed to associate sex with physical pleasure and a real sense of intimacy. Thus, sex becomes about the body, and not about intimacy.
Someone who has used porn extensively often has a difficult time experiencing any intimacy during sex, because those arousal and pleasure centers zero in only on the body. But if that hormone is released when no one is present, it stops having its effects. Sex no longer bonds you together. But after a while your body begins to tolerate it.
To get the same buzz, you need more alcohol. And so the alcoholic begins to drink harder liquor, or drink larger quantities. The same thing happens with porn.
I think most of us would be horrified if we saw what most porn today really is. And often they start to want weirder and weirder things. Being tender means to be loving. Thus, orgasm tends to be very fast. Many porn users, this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women, then, suffer from premature ejaculation. Some porn users go to the other extreme when they start suffering from erectile dysfunction.
Sex is supposed to bond you physically, emotionally and spiritually with your spouse. But if porn has made the chemical pathways in your brain go haywire, then sex becomes only about the body. And porn shows you that only certain body types are attractive. All of this combines to often make sex with your spouse too much work. Thus, many people who use porn retreat into a life of masturbation. Porn has sold them the message: you deserve pleasure when you want it.
Your needs are paramount. However, it absolutely can be done! I think we need to start telling them these ten things. Tell them the truth, this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women.
And make sure that in your house everyone—girls, boys, women, and men—are protected from temptation. Covenant Eyes sends emails to people of your choice to tell you when someone has accessed an inappropriate site. One last word—please show grace to those who have been ravaged by porn. Especially if the associations in the brain happened when they were young, these people often want to change the most, but it seems really helpless. Rather than pointing the finger in blame, join together to fight the problem together!
As a teen I snuck them in the library, and as a single adult I discovered even more erotica available online as free ebooks. I got married later in life, and sex has been a struggle for me because of all the rewiring of my brain that took place as a teenager. THANK YOU for saying that! It is really scary, and we need to guard our hearts and our brains.
Excellent post about the damage porn causes to the user and the marriage. Following the porn use, participants were more likely to answer that they would engage in violent, even forceful actions against someone else. The researchers chalked it up to the objectification of zeus dating app through this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women imagery — it no longer seemed so awful to take what you wanted from someone if you could view them as a tool for your own ends.
J at HotHolyHumorous recently posted… Not Quite Right Messages about Sex Thank you. That was the question I was going to ask. Violence and abusive behavior seem to go along with long term porn addiction.
In the case of my husband, anyway. Are there more studies on this? Thank you for this post! It was very informative and an eye opener. I caught my husband watching porn once and I felt shattered inside. I shared this article with him and I hope he understands and never watches porn again.
I love your blog, you are an amazing woman thank you for sharing your wise words with us. About ten years into marriage, whether the porn was present or not, my husband started asking me questions about previous boyfriends and what we did, explicit questions. My past experiences had been pretty minimal, and many of them very negative, but he liked to and alcohol helped me to do this basically interrogate me, which stimulated him no end. I began making up lurid details and encounters, LYING, in order to entertain him.
Which, in the long run, in the light of day, made him become a very jealous person, and even though I told him that I was concocting these stories for his entertainment, he began to mistrust me, and he believed everything. By day, we were the perfect Christian homeschooling family, and by night, I was a drunken whore.
I felt very empty. Many times, during the porn movies, I hid my eyes and just became a sperm receptacle after the movie was over. I told my husband my feelings, many times. I told him that I thought it was wrong, that it made me feel like a prostitute, etc. And over and over, he said it was good, and that it was what I should do as a loving wife. A few years ago I had some severe stress-related health problems, and it was then that I began to see and work on that unhealthy dynamic, along with a lot of other unhealthy boundaries, etc.
Doing things against my conscience was literally destroying me as a person. I repented, and I renounced my participation in that sin. We now exist in a sexless, loveless marriage, for the sake of our children. Every day for me is a struggle. I suspect that he uses porn and masturbates. He will not talk about relationship issues, will not go to counseling. What does a wife do when the husband actually defends the use of porn as legitimate in a Christian marriage?
He blames me for ruining our relationship. He has accused me of being unfaithful with multiple people. Our marriage is rotten to the core, and I am confused as to whether staying for the sake of the children is healthy at all. What they are seeing as a marriage is not anything that they should emulate. Maybe this post is too explicit and inappropriate for this blog. I am okay with it being deleted, if that is the case. Not too explicit at all.
Porn can steal your soul and I myself had struggles with it in my marriage. I would defend its use saying its harmless and tell my wife every man does it. Fact is, I was wrong. Every man who truly loves his wife will not participate in such actions. In my twenties I wanted to stop but my wife would get so upset when I tried to speak with her about it that I would lie about looking at it and tried to stop myself. This never worked and I continued. Ultimately she brought to my attention how seriously it affected her emotionally by asking me to move out and eventually we would be divorced.
Fortunately it never came to that. As she bawled and cried and angrily told me to leave I realized how deep it hurt her. But in your situation after so many years and so much selfishness and lack of consideration for anyone but himself, perhaps your best option would be to tell him you are done and you want him out.
Maybe this is the wake up call he needs. My wife wasnt so openly willing to help me stop as you seemingly would be, so I had to struggle on my own when I wanted to stop, but seeing how you have been very willing to help him and he has no desire, unfortunately that translates to having no desire for you in my opinion.
If he truly loves you he will see the err of his ways like a ton of bricks hitting him. Because I am headed down the same path. I have given him all my logic, Scripture, etc. I have said yes to his demands, and many many many times NO, and occasionally been raped. It is easier to convince myself that I want to, than to be raped.
I feel like a whore. I climax even when I have no desire to, trying to please him. I would love to have it every day — and we used to — but the porn has made him dissatisfied. Sometimes I have hope that God is at work. But after that, it was all over. Now he is pushing me for either porn or anal, and I have tried and tried and it hurts. But given the choice, I wish I worked.
I try so hard not to hate my life. That is so sad to read. Have you gone to counseling or sought help this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women all for what you are going through?
Rape is not okay, even if it is your husband. He clearly does not respect you as a person or he would not force you to engage in risky and dangerous forms of sex. The most dangerous tendency of porn is that it can dehumanize people. Rather than individuals being viewed as people with thoughts and feelings, they are literally just warm bodies by which you can gain pleasure.
To some, just a little is not enough, and one has to seek out more and more extreme stuff to get the same high. Perhaps this is the problem with your husband. If he decides not to go to counseling you still need to go. It is not safe for you to stay in that kind of an environment. I know that you want to please your husband and you want him to love you, but you cannot put yourself through such terrible things. S, thank you for sharing the heartbreaking details of your marriage to a sex addict.
I can diagnose both of them with this based only on your shared experience because I too am a sex addict.
Like so many men including Mike and probably both of your this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of womenI first started my addiction when I was young, before I was even a teenager.
I went to church, I served in my church and community, I served a church mission, I read the scriptures and prayed usually daily. Part of me wants to punch them for their callous and terrible deeds rape is NEVER okay.
But, this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women, there is also a part of me that has sat across from men just like your husbands, who have committed the worse kind of misdeeds because they were sex addicts, and they share the pain they feel for what they did, and the guilt and the overpowering shame they felt — which often led them to repeat their horrendous crimes.
Because, even though my sexual addiction never took me to the places it took your husbands or many other of my brother in addiction, I could still clearly see patterns that were so similar to my experience with sex addiction.
I knew that if I continued unchecked, my addiction would continue to fester and grow in strength and perversion until I was also acting in the most vile of ways. So while your husbands actions have deeply hurt you, and they seem unremorseful and unwilling to change, I would bet that those are not their true feelings. Those sound like the actions of the addict talking, not the true man.
The addict, or natural man as I like to call it, this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women, is an enemy to God, and always has been and always will be unless s he yields to the enticings of the spirit.
Many addicts must first hit a rock bottom before having the desire to seek it. Mike shared that his wife leaving him helped him hit this bottom and seek recovery. None of us have power over another individual, but we often give others power over ourselves. And only when the addict your husband lets him. And he has to first realize that he is powerless over it, which is why so many addicts must hit rock bottom first before they can see their powerlessness.
Anyway, in my experience with sex addiction, well meaning ecclesiastical leaders can help in the process of recovery, but an addict needs something more. He needs the support and openness of other addicts who understand his or her experiences and can offer the un-judging support and understanding that can be found in these support groups. Sometimes they also have unfortunately developed their own — often lesser — sex addictions.
It is a very common occurrence with women married to sex addicts and something my wife often struggled and still probably does to a smaller extent with. Anyway, sorry for writing so much. There is so much more I could write as well.
I really would love to write a book one day. Best of luck to you both. Good article and comments. Before reading this blog I well underatnd all about it thru experience. I thought OMG so this is the one the so called blue film. I also came to read some other reports of sexless couples in the west and saying this this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women due to stress in duty, daily business.
No, I completly disagree witht that. They are due to porn in movie and on the roads women are dressed just like showing everything. Naturally, if soemthing needs to covered then it should be covered so that we are always excited to see what is in it. So, lets start dressing decently covering most of the body parts. I understand this logic, and many believe the same way. Thankfully for me personally, the side affects are minor compared to the ones listed in this article. Just like alcohol, tobacco, and SUGAR.
I DO believe that international laws should be created to prevent children from experiencing it though. It is WAY WAY too easy for someone of ANY age to find it online. This nation for the most part has chosen to hide sex from our kids and not talk about it in a constructive way and I feel this this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women has contributed to the sexual frenzy we now see. Love and sex are the closest we can get to heaven on earth.
They are a beautiful gift. Some people choose to abuse them — but I think that should always remain a choice. If someone is in a marriage and their spouse refuses to stop hurting them then there is no reason to stay in the marriage. HOWEVER — maybe if I give up porn I would make room for someone to show up in my life like this ya think? The problem with that is. When I spend an hour a day at the gym, and wear nice clothes, shine brilliantly… I am told I am out fishing for a new guy.
He does not mind to have the hot wife on his arm at the party, but the second I step out the door to go somewhere without him, he is MR INSECURITY, and I become a prisoner in my own home. Then tearing down my self esteem, telling me to quit my job and be home with the kids — yelling if I put on makeup, and then I am forced to become this dowdy housewife he cannot stand.
There is no winning. If were not perfect you bitchand when we are — you bitch. So I have a photo of that sad, unhappy, overweight house this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women he FORCED me to become, and I will never be that woman again.
I will keep that license with me forever, as a reminder. You say you want a hot woman with a great body. So you can tear her down. Then toss her aside when she destroys herself trying to make you happy. Thats the joke of it all. Did you even read the article? Porn can and does affect you, now and in the future.
You may not think you are hurting anyone, but you grabski.info are feeding the porn world by looking and spending time on a site if that be your mo. I bet you have no idea there are woman who desperately want out of the porn world but cant, because of how lucrative it is to the owners. Did you know some of the girls you may be looking at are being held against their will? Probably couldnt tell with how pleasant they have to be.
Yes, every time you look you are feeding an industry that is using you to use others and pad their pockets. Though you may not think you are an addict because after your thrill you can go weeks before looking again, but you are and will never get better until you admit it and seek help. As your problem will surface and only cause destruction on what could be a good relationship.
Your not alone in that However, Many people do — do this. But is it really the blame? Alcohol is often involved. But again, is it really the core of the problem? Porn is not the end allbe all of the problem. Other hurts are involved. Should it be done away with all together? My husband has a lot problems. An addiction to porn is just one of them.
The drinking is another symptom. Will he get help? Yes it is sad that marriages end, but I disagree that porn is the cause. I am not a Christian. To the lady who stated that her husband defended his porn use due to her not being sexual enough…that is his own decision to say that hateful thing to her. SHE has ZERO ownership in his bad behavior. This is some of the nonsense this mental-illness inducing internet porn has saturated the male brain with.
YOU are worthy and you are beautiful despite him. Darling, your husband is a pig. I think its not wise for you to quit your marriage responsibility now especially now that your kids you for a good home training.
Stay and focus of on the children so that non of them will the same mistake in future to come. He died on the cross to not only save us from our sins but to free us from them. We are new creatures in Christ with the power of the risen Lord living inside of us.
There is hope for porn users. They need to begin believing it, knowing who they are in Christ, and walking in the freedom He has provided. There is NO sin that He can not deliver us from!
Lori, i am myself touched and have benefited big. I am greatly helped thanks guys. Guys we can make it Yes, you are right. However, having tried many many times to quit porn use, and failing every time, in the end one gives up and thinks it is just inevitable. I have spent hundreds on porn, and destroying it all when I try to give up is just an expensive folly, because in a few days time, I will start buying new porn.
Porn is only ever as far away as my computer. Yes, I have erectile dysfunction, and I know porn plays a big role in that. Once, on holidays, away from porn, our sex life increased and improved phenomenally, but when we got home, back to the same old problems. I just need the chemical rush I get when viewing porn. Really I thought they were too teach it is wrong Not to be flippant, but you get a new church! Or you go to the elders and make it known that this is what your pastor is saying.
I also went to a pastor to talk about this and he equated it to smoking. I was so devastated because I told him how horrible and upset it made me feel and after talking to him I felt so alone and confused. Porn is a worldly accepted form of adulatory and really a form if prostitution. When you watch porn you lust after the person on the screen, this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women. But more than that, you start comparing your spouse to them.
Porn is fake and destructive. If a pastor says its ok then he no doubt have a porn problem himself. Anyone who has a close walk with God knows what sexual immorality is. Thank you for this article! My husband grew up around porn as a teen. His former step dad watched hard core porn openly not hiding it at all.
Instead of fleeing when he comes acrossed it he will peek to see if it has changed at all since the last time he has seen it. Almost all of the times he has picked it up I have found it. And it has devastated me. Last May I found it the last time and our marriage was almost done. It opened his eyes wide open to the pain this last time that it caused me. And does not want to lose his family over it.
He is very remorseful. But the few times he was faced with it has made a poor choose to grab it instead of flee. He has made a promise to me that the next time he comes acrossed it he will immediately call me. I am praying he will and believe he will. But your fb page and blog has been instrumental in me not leaving this last time. Also I really hate that we even went through all this this past year but so much good has come from it.
We used to intimately kiss maybe once a year. And we didnt say I love you to eachother except maybe a coupke times a year. Since last May we now hard eachother very tightly, kiss everyday, and say I love you all day long. Oh and our sex life is way more intimidate! We actually kiss now during! It has helped us tremendously! I especially liked today article at the end about the grace part.
And if your husband came acrossed it as a teen. It helps me all the more to want to fight for our marriage and help my husband in anyway I can!
If you masturbate, the hormones released during orgasm stop having a bonding effect during sex? People who watch porn find regular sex boring?
Premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction? The best website with all the science would be Your Brain on Porn which has a TON of links to scientific studies, and deals especially with the problems of arousal, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, etc.
Oz has a four-part video series on it here. Covenant Eyes also has some ebooks you can download with the scientific studies laid out—browse down to the bottom of this page for their report on Your Brain on Porn. I just recently found porn on the computer that my husband plays games on. So I just hold the hurt in like I always do. I have always thought that he was it my all my my sole mate I thought I knew him and that we would spend til death do us part together in a loving marriage.
I never pictured my life with anyone else but him, I thought that we were just getting closer as we got older. I mean we even talk about when the kids are gone what we will do and the places that we will go and see, look how stupid he showed me to be. I have never been trusting of men after being molested by my step father for years as a young child into my teen yrs. It took me a very very long time to even come close to trusting my husband and then this.
After finding your sight I see that this has been going on for awhile now. Now that I have seen all these postings I now see why.
God please give me the strength to be strong not only for myself but for our kids. Porn is never about love. You husband may very well still love you but he is not thinking. Porn is an addiction like any drug you smoke, inject etc. He has to own it. You see, porn is a perversion of sex which was given us by God for procreation and enjoyment. Let me share my story with you, maybe it help you understand why he is like he is.
I was young when I first saw porn, I think I was in first or second grade. We had found a VCR tape in a bag from who knows where. Many days I found myself looking at them and reading the stories. Since then on and off I was reading and looking at magazines.
When I moved out I started renting movies at the local video store. As time went on I met my wife online and we got married a year later. We moved in together and we had sex almost every day.
A year later we moved to where she was from and that is where we are now. Then my wife got pregnant and my son was born she had a C-section. All her attention went to him and I felt neglected. I felt like the kid who always got everything he always wanted until he had to start sharing. Yes you can say I was selfish. A few years later my daughter was born and her attention went to her and I felt stuck tending to my son.
A few years later we finally got highspeed internet at my work and I was working alone most of the time so most days spent watching porn when it was slow. I started losing interest in my wife. I felt myself be in actual pain from my feelings. I was depressed and started isolating myself. I had prayed to let something happen to end my marriage so I could be free.
Just so you know. But not the way I wanted. One evening in who knows how long we were having sex and I had to imagine someone else in my mind. I could not tell her I loved her anymore.
I told her I loved her but I was not in love with her. Lots of things was said, screaming, crying. I had to come clean. For some time I had talked to someone I knew before I met my wife.
And things had started moving there. I had to make a choice and I choose to stay with my wife. I can truly say that I never physically cheated on her. Never slept with anyone else.
It took time, she still remembers it and always will. But she did forgive me. We had started watching some porn together chi omega tinder try and rebuild our sex life. But at least we were together. We started going to church. I rid my house of all porn movies and adult toys. And I started serving at the church in the worship ministry and later as a deacon. This takes up most of my time now along with maintaining the church website after working every day.
But lately porn has started creeping back. And I was looking at the massage oils and stuff. Me being a man started googling and wanted to know how it looked on a woman. This lead to another and another and another which lead to browsing porn sites and stay up late watching videos. Until one day in June. The kids had gone to summer camp and it was a Saturday morning and for once the kids was not home so we decided to have some fun and play around.
My mind said Go, my heart said Go and Mr Happy said NO. I was freaking out. Later I found out this is referred to as PIED. Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. But it takes effort and time.
First of all you have to stop to watch any porn. Second you have to stop masturbate. Because fantasizing about other people then your spouse while pleasing yourself is just as bad as watching porn. So I told my wife that I was still watching porn occasionally and she kindly asked me to stop when I mentioned to her that I wanted to stop.
Not because of porn but because of her medical issues. He is chasing the high he gets, the rush he gets from porn usage. He has bought into the lie of the world that porn is ok and acceptable. Porn has told him the women are pieces of meat that can be treated any kind of way.
He constantly compare his spouse to the fake people on the screen who most of the time is forced to act against their own will.
The porn industry is evil, its cruel. I wish I could tell you what to do. He has to own his addiction to be able to be free from its yoke of slavery. Im sorry for all the pain you have experienced in your marriage. I do have one question. Was your marriage abusive? Was he hostile towards you? Did he threated you? Did he treat you good other than this? The Bible says that looking at a woman with lust you have already committed adultery with her.
When the person that is addicted watches a porn scene. He or she wants to be in that scene. They get so emerged into the plot or lack of it that they lose track of time and can spend hours at a time masturbating. Porn is mind numbing. You lose your feelings and desires until porn is the only thing you desire and the next hit or high. And the Bible does allow divorce incase of adultery or if a unbeliever deserts you.
And watching porn is a form of adultery because you do lust after the person on the screen. Its up to you if you want to take it to that extent. You should talk to him and perhaps suggest marriage counseling to say at least you tried. And suggest something like Celebrate Recovery if a nearby church has the program. Its not a quick fix. It will take time and he will fall and make mistakes. Even if its just as a friend or a room mate. It might not be what you want to hear.
But its my take on it. Men are physically oriented and physically aroused. So porn plays directly to them like a key fits into a lock.
In fact, I think most of them are very unattractive and the sexual scenes can be quite ugly. I love my wife and am quite able to be loving and tender with her most of the time. We all fail a little bit. Problems can be overcome. My heart was racing and thumping. Not trying to minimize my problem, but lets keep it in proportion. Keep your vows to your husband, love him in spite of ALL the failings he has, and help him to become a better man. Not sure about your wife but if you read through this board and many others online you will see what porn does to a person the user and the spouse self-esteem and marriages.
It is the same thing and until you get help with it you will never actually know what your wife is truly feeling about your porn use. If you actually knew how great it was to be with your wife or anyone else without the porn, your wife would be a very happy person because the sexual arousal of being with them and them being the one you long for is a very different feeling and effect without porn involved. If you want to quote the bible you should read the following before trying to show that porn is acceptable.
You said something about reading through the comments and coming to a realisation that its been going on for some time, well, one thing the experiences shared by others makes clear is that pornography is a disease of the mind, it haunts men and drives them to lengths they would normally never stoop to, i dont think your husband has stopped loving you, i believe he still does, he just needs help.
He needs you now. Keeping what you found out in will be equal to giving up on something that from all youve said looks beautiful…. Please, talk to your husband about it, tell him how it made you feel, dont give up on him, keeping it in would just make the pain you feel deep inside right now even worse, trust me, paranoia comes from knowing little, and fearing worse, confront him, find out the truth, dont throw away you years together.
And i think you misunderstood Kevin, im sorry but if im to use the same logic youre using on him, on you, then i would say its pretty obvious youre not as in love with your husband as you think. He acknowledged having a problem, acknowledged attempts at fighting it, and in nowhere stated that he needs porn to get aroused or he tries to convince his wife to join him watch porn.
I think he made it quite clear his wife is not in support of him watching, i would assume thats one of the reasons hes trying to stop. You seem all too determined to give up…thats very sad…. There is a wonderful book my husband and I are reading called Eyes Of Honor. It differs from the other self help books on this subject in that it shows we are not powerless in the fight against this addiction. God has given us all power.
Everything we need is already available to us to fight anything. He is power of my power. I have his power living on the inside of me so nothing on the outside can affect me unless I choose to let it.
That is not to say it is easy…it takes work and practice, counseling and accountability. When I discovered my husband was engaged in porn I confronted him.
Fortunately I had all day to think about it and pray before he came home so by the time I had the talk with him I was not yelling or sobbing but more rationale. He did not try to defend or deny it and we went for help together and separately.
We sought God together and separately and we talked about it a lot. My husband still meets with a group of men who have also struggled with this so they can encourage one another and pray together. One of the things God showed me is that my husband is a good man, a godly man, who made a mistake and bad choice. I have to love and respect him for repenting and taking the steps and actions he needed to for help.
I thank him for his transparancy with me and for letting me express all my feelings and fears regarding this issue and for the mutual understanding we extended to one another. I dont know if there will be a relapse and I try not to think about it. I am trying one day at a time to walk with the Lord and live in my marriage. I do know God has used this experience for both of us to reach out to other couples.
The biggest thing I have learned through dealing with this addiction in my spouse is that the only person I can fully trust is my Lord. I cannot control my husband or his actions only how I react. No matter what, I have to believe God has my back. Things are great for us right now, better than before actually but life can change on a dime. So, I am thankful for where my hubby and I are currently in our marriage and Christian walk but I am no longer nieve about the possibilities lurking.
I trust if this addiction is revisited that God will lead me in the way to deal with it and while I would not choose to stay in a marriage that includes porn or infidelity I will always treat my husband with the mercy and grace shown pof account me. I hope this does not come off sounding self righteous. It took a lot of work on both our parts.
I now know that no matter what happens my father has me and I can breathe again. I know you already talked about that in some of your older posts, but will you write a top ten ways to get over porn? The experiment showed that a stimulus, followed closely by a reward, would generate the reward response as soon as the stimulus was provided. If we rang a bell, and then allowed someone to have satisfying sex, the person would eventually become aroused at this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women bell.
Nothing in the experiment suggested that the reward stopped becoming rewarding simply because it was preceded by a stimulus. But you are right—the analogy does fall apart after that! Thank you for talking about this on your blog, Sheila. After some initial embarrassment on their parts, they both admitted to seeing it and sometimes watching it through various chatroom type websites they access and we were able to have a frank discussion about the dangers of porn and how it can affect their future relationships.
We were also able to have a conversation about being in a loving and trusting relationship where you can ask for things and your partner can ask for things but that both should be able to say no without any repercussions.
So, the long and the short of this is — thanks Sheila. I find your blog so helpful and have pointed quite a few of my friends in your direction. It sounds like that must have been a really emotional discussion—but such a needed one! Thank you so much for your prayers Sheila, they are much appreciated. She is quite sensible and assures me she will never start smoking but she is very taken with the idea of multiple piercings and tattoos which I am really not keen on!
One bit of advice that I once heard that I really agree with is this: often when our kids start acting up we focus on the SYMPTOMS: the tattoos, the piercings, the language, the sex, the drinking, etc. Instead we need to focus on the heart issues. Is it really pure rebellion, or is it a search for purpose, for meaning, for love?
Often kids just want belonging and meaning—for their lives to mean something. Hope that makes sense! I FIND THAT if one person always give in, she becomes enabling, and essentially a child in the relationship. AS A CHRSTIAN STEPHENS MINISTRY COUNSELOR, I SEE MANY WOMEN WHO HAVE LEARNED TO JUST NOT HAVE A VOICE ANY MORE, AND TO ENABLE BAD BEHAVIOR BY PASSIVITY.
WOMEN LOSE THEIR VOICE. Weird things went on over the years but there was always a reason or I was told this or that and some things I did just over look, you know I picked and chose my battles. I found out that my husband has been doing porn and fantasizing about other woman and masturbating while we only had SEX once a month if I was lucky. And I was always a willing participant, I never withheld from him. He was always to tired from work or stressed because of a bill or something.
When we did have sex it was like it was a chore. No passion, just him doing his business and then rolling over. We have been to several marriage counselors and as soon as they say this is not fixable he calls another.
He has even been told that he should never be in a relationship with anyone. I went to marriage counseling when he wanted at first was because I wanted this to work but now it is because I feel I need to believed, but part of me still wants it to work. I went to therapy but therapy got me no where. I know now it was all lies but I am having a real hard time letting go. And that is also a problem how do you love someone and think they are your sole mate one day and the walk away the next.
I have no friends anymore or family. I think now he did this on purpose to me. I feel like I am in jail. I need help but no one understands his conditions around here I know at this point I will never have what I wanted out of life.
I never wanted my children to be from a broken home. I have tried to let him be around me but he just wants to act like nothing has happened.
He tells me that I need to get help to get over what he has done so I will forget about it. He has never taken me out to dinner alone. He would rather be at work than home alone with me. I know for a fact this will not happen. He found a job that no one really cares enough to see what he does. But he will take off work for something he wants to go do. Man I am rambling on, I will stop.
I hear you tina. I have had similar experiences. I believe in NOW IN MUTUAL SUBMISSION, MUTUAL RESPECT MUTUAL LOVE if one person always give in, she becomes enabling, and essentially a child in the relationship. I am praying for you. JD I have a few questions for you. After a positive conversation he agreed to stop and that was that. Fast forward through two very difficult pregnancies, a painful back injury and financial problems and stress, and many fights about porn, and here we are.
I have always had a very strong libido. If it were up to me we would make love passionately and in creative ways every day, sometimes more as we did at firststaying connected and excited with each other constantly. I keep myself up and work on being sexy, including working hard to lose my pregnancy weight, flirting, wearing sexy outfits, etc, but its never enough. The porn has led to him needing different.
This first came in the form of wanting me to be pleased by another man. This was appalling to me. It literally scared me and made me physically ill. But after months of fighting and begging and coercion, afraid to lose my husband and father of my child I agreed to fulfill his fantasy. That was the first piece of my soul I gave away. Since then I have done things I never thought I would and I hate myself. He has now admitted he thinks he is bisexual and cannot become aroused or get off unless I am telling him a fantasy about him with another man or he is watching porn during sex.
He just gets horny and wants sex and then ignores me after. We went from having the best sex of my life and his to me being repulsed by him. I have no idea what to do. Is there any hope? Let me offer some thoughts here. The more you do this, the more he will watch porn and the more he will ask you to do even more bizarre things.
Your marriage will not get better while he is watching porn and while he is asking you to do horrible things. Often giving people a stark choice jolts them. But he will not get better with you just begging him or giving in to him. I totally agree that porn is addictive. Pretty much masturbated every day. It gave me a warped view of what love was, how a woman was suppose to be and act.
Never had sex with anyone, never knew what do expect, only what i had seen. You take your time and just enjoy whatever you want to do. I always had problem with Premature Ejaculation. I read could be from being overstimulated from masturbating every day. That itself is as addicting as porn its very hard to not do it. But I am also on two different kinds of blood pressure meds, one a beta blocker. Which has caused a bit of a problem to attain and maintain ED.
But occasionally catch myself getting a desire for it. Kind of like smokers get when they quit smoking. If it happens I tell my wife and we talk about it this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women we pray.
No arguing, no harsh words. Never keep anything from your spouse. Always be up front and honest. If you have a problem talk about it and solve it together. And enjoy each other.
But porn really have no room in a good home. Thanks I stumbled across this website this morning and I am so happy that I did. I said I am not dumb and went and laid back down. He came in to our room and said what?
I said I know but doing that would make me. I told him that him lusting after other women and fantisizing about them is being unfaithful. It will destroy a marriage. Let me give a little background on why he says this about me not pleasing him. I can not worry and deal with the stress from this problem in our marriage. I want to give up so bad but I remember why I have held on for so long. We have been through so much and we have made it through all of the obstacles that life has thrown at us and I know this is another one we can overcome but he has to have to want to get over this issue.
It took me several months to figure out what the problem in my relationship was really about. I had relationships in the past in which my SO used porn, and even watched with them at times. For me it always seemed phony and tho many of the actors were attractive I had a much better sex life than anything I ever watched. My orgasms were real and I enjoyed his inside me. Doc over in that my new guy was a habitual porn viewer, enjoyed cross dressing, was most turned on by shemale sex, and my sex life became nonexistent, I asked him the question.
I recently gave him an ultimatum. I refuse to share my lover with the thousands of people he shares intimacy with instead of me. In my mind he is a cheat. I am no longer interested in his attempts to pacify me sexually and finish the job with others on the screen. I have no idea what the outcome will be, but I am done with this joke of a relationship. Sadly, he does love me alot and there is much about him I really love, but this is a deal breaker for me. He has lost many relationships over this.
He says he is going to end this behavior in order to save our relationship. He has admitted to me that all his fetishes have been about his need fir stranger and kinkier sex in order to orgasm. I am now seeking advice on how I should behave toward him and how to hold him accountable to his promise. Will I ever be able to find trust in Him again? Is this worth fighting for? If he really wants this, would he not have figured this out by now, and saved the relationships he has lost in the past?
My husband and I have been married a little over a month. He says hes tired all the time, but I found his porn on his computer, ipod and external hard drive. He looks at it all the time according to the computer records… He is obsessed with women with big boobs, and I am the opposite. I feel really ugly and humiliated. I feel completely let down and rejected. This entire article describes his to a T. I can see where you are coming from here as there is nothing to back up this article.
But I gotta say: as a recovering porn addict, I relate to each of these points without any reservations. I suffer from the effects of porn use and struggle with the tendencies I have developed over the many years using porn. Due to the use, I struggle with many of these effects with my wife.
It is a very personal issue and it will be very difficult to connect with an active porn user. It is an addiction and it is very powerful. For you wives out there, I need you to know that it is not just you no matter how perfect you are, you are not the problem and there is nothing wrong with you. I repeat THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! This addiction has opened doors that can not be closed easily.
Your husband will need understanding and loving support from you, but he can not be allowed to continue prolonged exposure to porn. As with any addiction, a little here and there will always grow into more and more as well as harder core stuff. As a couple, you can support each other but it has to be fair and equal.
In none of these posts have I heard of the husband doing what a wife wanted only of husbands requiring more and more from their wife to the point of abuse. There is another aspect that might shed a little light on the subject. The other aspect is with sensitivity: After of all the years of developing the hand technique, the little guy has gotten used to a certain pressure in a certain direction at a certain time, all of which is impossible to reproduce with your actual partner. These are all factors I battle with each time I have sex with my wife.
On some level its gotta hurt her because shes asking herself what she did or if there is something wrong with her. Another thing I have to mention for the guys out there battling with this addiction. I hid my tools and videos in areas of the home. I waited for my wife to go to bed all the while just waiting in anticipation.
At some point, I started battling and questioning my actions and by the time I concluded that my actions were wrong and hurtful to my wife, I felt no way to even broach the subject. It takes a lot of guts because biblically, this is adultery. I can not guarantee your wife will react the same way, but My wife was very understanding and was relieved that I would share such a personal issue.
This is a deep and emotional subject, and on some level you are opening up your self to being vulnerable.
To you it is just one step of many, but to your Wife it opens up a connection with you on a different level way beyond sex. You are married and you should be able to share you problems with each other.
I gotta guess that most of your wives out there already know about you problem. They are just waiting for you to ask for help. COMING OUT was one of the most impactful things in my addiction that I have ever done.
I feel that I am in a much better place by far than where I was. The guilt is still there but It has also been a motivating factor in my recovery. As I look back I can see that there was no guilt in using porn for instant gratification. There was shame but not guilt. Ironically when I realized the ramifications of porn use, the guilt began to eat away my desire to watch porn.
I grew a conscience and with the Lords help and many nanny prayers to help me stop, I feel that I have been set free. Every thing looks bigger on the screen, Most of the clips are re run at least twice to lengthen the interlude, and most importantly they never age.
Not saying I recommend it…however, for example the only porn that is illegal is child porn. He was addicted before you got married as I was when I got married. I saw nothing wrong with this at the time but looking back there was a lot of pain induced by me.
I have to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you, he is addicted and it is very personal to him. He needs your help and support to stop but he also needs to see that it is wrong on so many levels. Nip it in the bud now! He must stop watching porn because it will become a thorn in your young marriage.
Talk openly and often about it because it will be awkward for him initially. It is very personal to him. Married couples need to be able to speak openly and intimately.
As your marriage is still young, you might have a chance to start this intimate level of communication early. With me and my addiction, it was more of a shame factor why I could not tell my wife.
I will also say that I was addicted before my marriage and at the time I saw nothing wrong with it. My wife at the time ignored it instead of confronting it, and in the long run, I caused her a lot of pain, unintentionally, but I still did. I would surmise that your husband is in the same boat I was in years ago. The day I confronted my problem was one of the heaviest weights lifted off of my shoulders. I was afraid that she would leave me or think I was some sort of deviant, something less than what she had married.
I hope that this will help your marriage grow! The first step for someone with an addiction is that they first admit that they have a problem, second is to find help. There are great online resources and support groups for things like this. Find a local celebrate recovery program or read online resources such as grabski.info and online support group at sites such as grabski.info. Porn and masturbation is an addiction and its just as bad as any drugs and alcohol.
I come from a generation who has been lied to. I mainly wanted to encourage the men because I understand their struggle but heres a little something for the ladies: ladies firstly thank you for fighting for us! I love my wife and I never stopped loving her even when I was struggling with porn…. I too went to a priest and he said that porn is ok. I found another priest and he said that the first priest was wrong.
My husband insisted that I had a problem because I would not accept porn. He stated all the things about my being insecure. We went to a male marriage counselor and he told me that I was too needy and uptight. He told me all men do that and I had a problem. He completely disregarded my thoughts and feelings. My husband ended the marriage two days later. When a marriage counselor and a priest end up telling you that you that porn is ok, it just shows how much of a hold it has on society and how many focus on being entitled to what they want and do not see this issue with compassion or love.
I will never marry again. I had given my husband everything but porn and that to him was a dealbreaker. That is just so sad, Kim.
Sad that your husband was involved with porn, but even sadder that the priest excused it. Kim never think for a second that porn is ok. Your husband was wrong for doing this to you. He clearly has an addiction to porn. Please visit grabski.infograbski.info and grabski.info to learn about porn addiction and how to over come it.
Its a very sad situation but its not uncommon. I am re-posting the list under my insight section on my blog. What kind of monster chooses porn over a a beautiful, loving wife?
She found out about the porn and very tastefully did not ridicule me for it. I am losing my wife, my kids, and my dignity. She told me she met someone and is in love with him. I am actually happy for her.
I have been in counseling and now have to figure out if I am completely too far gone or if I can fix myself. I will find out what is wrong with me and try to be happy for once. Porn is just as addictive as any drug and it consumes you just as much. Men is not the only ones that has issues with porn, we may be in a majority but women has the problem too. Please understand its never too late to quit.
I have posted a few links further up about porn addiction but I share it again. You have to quit for yourself first and foremost. Like any other person,[human being], you also are a power of your own power that has to biggest weapon of changing your mindset, start with mindset change. I know you loved your wife even from the very start when you first saw her until you went into marriage, what is just happening is just the battle between you giving up on what belongs to you and fighting for it, Here in Africa, a man is expected never to give in to defeat especially if what he is about to loose is dear to him.
With that kind of manly approach, i know you are more than able to turn events around about also getting back what belongs to you. That is your wife, your family. GOD loves us all equally but just hates what we entangle ourselves in. He still loves even more than where you seem to see yourself right now brother. I have be seeking to find comments on effects of porn. I had been in this for as long as i can remember and i always turn to porn whenever i am anxious.
Somehow I am coming out of this. A girl friend of mine, who is single, is now getting into porn too. I have access to her laptop and i was shocked but not surprised to see history of visits. Of course she does not know that I know.
She tries to be discrete but somehow she live some footprints on her laptop. I do not fill morally justified to ask her to stop viewing porn but after reading this article i feel we both need to talk and seek help. I do not wish to embarrass her in any way but I do not want her to get addicted. Perhaps you could help us both on how to go about this. Yes porn is truly a sad story. What sad is that it helps in the moral this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women of our society.
What is sad is that it has been widely accepted. Sad story, i am glad you have woken up to see what porn truly is. We give them the strength to break free of the trap that was laid for them porn. I understand its a sensitive subject but if she trusts you then you might be the one who can break her of her addiction she may already be addicted.
Or have your wife talk to her or both of you go. Its not too good for a man to have a close female friend or be alone with another woman that is not his wife when he is married.
At church our pastors are not allowed according to the bylaws to be alone with a someone of the opposite sex who is not their wife in their office with door closed, this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women.
A third person has to sit in or the door to the office can not be closed. This is a safety precaution. And it can actually be applied in everyday life as well.
Something to think about. Best decision of my life was to stop masturbating to it. Men are waking up these days and they are reclaiming what is rightfully theirs, their manhood! Here are lots of testimonials about the GREAT benefits of quitting porn and masturbation, this is a MUST-READ : grabski.info I had a problem opposite of what most guys have. I used to love porn. Then I met who is now my wife. It looks unnatural, forced, and insincere.
But after my wife and I met, it was like porn was chopped liver. I once came close to having a girlfriend, din work. Thanks for your post. Paul, thank you for sharing your story. Please tell someone in real life about your struggles. Honestly, most churches have tons of people who struggle with this. Please find a man you can trust who can pray with you and hold you accountable.
God brought you here; I pray that you will continue on this journey, because you honestly can get clean. That is what God does want for you. This world is so messed up nowadays.
People cannot differentiate between what is right and what is wrong. IT IS EQUIVALENT TO WATCHING SOMEONE ELSE HAVING SEX. Would you like it if people were in your bedroom watching you and your husband having sex.
My husband watches porn and yes he is selfish. I can see exactly what you are saying in this article in my relationship. When I ask him to stroke my clitoris he gives up after a few minutes and says it is difficult and that is just the way he is. Porn gives men a sense of entitlement. They just want to use each other. There is no love. No wonder there are so many weirdo rapists out there.
Porn even teaches men that women like to be raped, and not just raped gang raped too. Would any of you actually become porn stars yourself.
So then why are you supporting the industry. You are hypocrites and evil. As human beings we should care about each other not just use each other and then say it is her lifeshe should do what she wants. This is a lie from the devil and all of you have fallen for it. Me I got a quiz to aak…I got active in porn watching for lik a month so…. Just be honest about it and be humble about it and God can do amazing things.
Coming from being addicted, I would say that what you have seen this far can not be unseen. Turn around now and realize what I should have long ago, porn is not your friend, it will not help you in any way, and it certainly wont help you with any of your future relationships. The biggest problem I had was that I never thought it was that bad.
IT IS THAT BAD. It never occurred to me that this would become a very big problem later in life. You have come across this blog and are now faced with bloggers like me who can say from experience, get out while you still can. It gets harder as time goes by. You get de-sensitized to the imagery as time goes by and it does re-program your brain into thinking it needs something unattainable.
If you have any chance at all this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women give it up then do it. The effects I have now after years of porn are dramatic. I am not sure if I will ever feel normal during sex or in intimate situations. Now I know the implications of indulging in porn. I have outrightly and immediately deleted all the porn videos in my phones.
I used to think it is an adventure of getting urself more informed about how to satisfy ur partner, little did I know that I was doing myself more harm and embarking on a very disastrous journey that could be difficult to return. I am very glad to have come across ur article today.
I really dont want to cheat on my wife so sometimes when I am in the mood I watch all manners of porns and ends up masturbating. I dont like the act but it does help sometimes to quench my lust for women.
I only do that when I am away from home. I just found out that I am guilty of some of the problems you this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women out in your article and I am willing to put an abrupt end to it God helping me.
Especially if porn has a foot hold on you. My best advise to you would be to talk with your wife about it and if at all possible let her know that she is missed while you are away. Tell her about the porn, ask for her understanding and support and for her help in fixing this problem.
Lust is a definite byproduct of porn but while self gratification is sometimes necessary, why not think about or involve your wife instead of a porn star. She is a person who has feelings and though she may be hurt by this, I am confident that given your confession, might actually allow her to become closer to you in that you have confided in her one of your deepest darkest secrets.
Newton, You are in our prayers My new marriage is ruined because of his addiction to porn. I caught him once and he promised me to stop. I was feeling rejected, fat, ugly. He knew all this. He wanted to be rough, violent, refused to do foreplay and I had to beg him for sex.
He let me suffer for a long time and lied to my face until he finally confessed he loved porn. This is an insidious evil in our society. Rare is the family that has not been impacted by it in some way.
Sports websites, comic book superhero google communities, ads, TV shows all push some level of sexuality or sensuality — there is very little escaping it even if one is not addicted. We face this daily in our household. Our son has already become involved with porn because for a while we thought we could trust him.
When confronted he admits to having a problem, though he would much prefer to get away with it. My husband tends to take a sideways approach, giving parallel, analogous examples and general admonishment rather than confronting head-on. Right now he is allowed online only when one of us is present, sitting in the same room where we can see the screen at all times but this does not nurture the strength of character needed to resist and find his own accountability I would just go with him to college but some people would be against it.
How do we guide him to that point? We seek wise counsel and try to implement Biblically sound principles. I long to feel loved,but everytime he had sex with me,twas all about him and I often feel so grabski.info of the things he does make me feel grabski.info one time I even accused him of being gay and thought he might have been abused.
I am in my late twenties this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women have been married now for a little over one and a half years.
I was exposed to pornography at a young age and it has followed me my entire life. I know that it is wrong and many times fall into it right after I read my Bible and pray or after a great spiritual victory. I so desperately want to end this struggle, but I fear it will never fully end. There are many times where it feels like there is no way out or that I am stuck like this. I fear that my sin will greatly hurt her, so I keep it to myself and battle it alone with some minimal accountability with a small community of friends.
I just want to put it behind me and act like nothing ever happened. I need you to pray for me daily and to phone me randomly, frequently, to help keep me in line. Then, once you have these things in place, maybe think about sitting own and telling your wife and asking her to fight with you?
Well, I looked at his history a few weeks ago and was appalled. Since then we have installed a filter and have met with our pastor. Now that you have some background, here is my question. When a man is cleaning up his act, how long does it generally take for libido to return and for problems with ED and early ejaculation to go away?
Or is that really different with everyone? AC, I think it really is different for everybody. I think it depends on how real they get with God and with putting it behind them, and how deeply they were into it, and at what age they started. I will admit that I am an occasional porn user, and I hate that fact, this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women, but sometimes it is the same arguement as what came first, the chicken or the egg, this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women.
When do I use porn? When my long time and very attractive wife is so busy burning the candle on both ends that she is too often too tired to respond to my advances for my needs. When sex drops down to maybe ten times a year. When I try to kiss her and she turns her head away from me, and I feel like I would get more affection from the dog. Useually when I look at porn, I look for stuff that looks like my spouse. It is out there. My Libido along with my hurt ego is what brought me to my laptop.
Porn is the lazy way out when I am tired of making appropriate advances to my wife, so I will give that one credit. Making love and regular intercourse is what I would prefer to be doing. Middle age also affect ones ability to last long.
The other arguements I can not argue against. But I truely wish I was not a porn user. I am very fortunate to have a boyfriend who does not watch porn. I told him before I even got into the relationship how I felt about it and he respected my views and have honored them for years. It has made our relationship so healthy and amazing over the years. I am the happiest girl alive because I know my man desires me and only me.
It was so nice reading this and seeing how I felt written out so perfectly, well done! You could not have worded it any better. This is truly an eye opener for any reader who is involved with porn.
I appreciate the wide range of comments and especially the understanding that has been shown on this post and its comments. And then on the other side, sometimes she just asks if I want to have sex out of the blue.
I could use some form of foreplay too. Well, I seem to be a strange case. If we never had sex again, I would be fine with it. My husband on the other hand wants sex just like when we were newly weds. I have been accommodating, feeling it was my wifely duty, but actually, I just keep dreading it mor and more. I am to the point where I wish he would go use some porn and please himself, or even have a secret affair to take the pressure off of me.
Do you have any suggestions for me?? I thought I should clarify that my husband is not rough or selfish during sex, and he likes foreplay.
I dont especially care for foreplay, but whatever. The more you go without sex the less you will want it. You need to take some time with your husband and rediscover your own sexuality—because it is there. And rediscover your intimacy. But wishing that he would leave you alone is being supremely unfair to him—and to you.
Instead, why not put that emotionally energy into figuring out how to have a great marriage again? It really is possible. Many women have come this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women from where you are today!
I knew deep down in my heart he was still looking at it but he uses incognito to look at it on his phone. Now I just feel like dirt, low of lowest, unwanted and unattractive hating myself with every breath. No my question is how do I tell him to leave without hurting my kids? The sooner you start living how you want to live — the better off you will be.
We dont have the strife. His sudden flares of rage over the smallest things, the comments, the snarky remards., this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women. My home has peace and light. I met someone new. As for feeling like dirt. Do not let yourself fall into that trap. Your not the dirt. Your not the one doing all these things. So pick yourself up, and start living how you want.
If he wants to choose that path, not much you can do to get him turned around. Your kids will be fine. Thank you for the article. Now I understand more why my relationship is failing. Tonight I have my answer. At times I did want to end the relationship because of a sexless relationship. Sex life is the same. I have to perform almost all the acts. Even have to wear stockings amd dress up to arouse him. I have my needs too there for putting up with his desire to meet my need is acceptional.
How wrong am I. It affected me and still affecting my self esteem alot. I know my partner watches a lot of porn. I left it unattended for way too long now. I was just wondering, how much porn is considered an addiction? We had a great sex life so i always got over it quickly. Porn was the only explanati, especially after reading posts like this one. So now his porn started to bother me, and hurt a lot. In fact, I was the one ashamed to tell him that it hurts my feelings. Because i consider myself as open minded when it comes to sex.
I love sex, im always in the mood, i flirt with him and initiate it, i google techniques, i always ask him what he wants, okcupid not working willing to try whatever he wants, i sound like a sex freak compared to my girlfriends.
So yes, i was ashamed to tell him that it bother me. How can it if im so open minded, right? Finally, i lost it and started picking fights with him, slowly bringing up the porn use every time. I got a different response about it each time. I was so obsessed with what i knew to be the truth and what i convinced myself to be the truth,that all i felt was hateand resentment. So now i feel like an even bigger idiot for talking to him about it. I just feel sad and pathetic now.
It may be unrealistic, but it still proves she is not enough in that respect. They have a substitute. I have never ever withheld sex on purpose, not to punish him and not to manipulate him.
Which means, men are just lazy to do anything to turn their wives on. Why bother if you can just blame the wife for it. As if we were made to only please our husbands. Even with that hypothetical scenario, the woman could not compete with the internet in one crucial way: Variety.
As an addict, I was always on the hunt, if you will. The thrill of the search was more addictive than anything. Stepping back now, part of the healing process was realizing that this time spent was utterly pointless and would NEVER satisfy. That hunt is more alluring than you can ever imagine.
My boyfriend uses pornography. He is very open about it, which makes it easier to trust him he told me when we were dating for two months and tells me every time he falls for the porn. Despite that, I find it very, very hard. It makes me feel so vulnerable, and highly insecure. I am afraid that he will think of other women, have weird ideas, or expectations for marriage. Even though I do not see many of the listed ten issues, I am afraid they will come up after marriage.
How can I enjoy kissing when he is not choosing me fully? Is it truly about me? I hate how sexuality is always such an issue. Even more I hate him not understanding it. He sees it more as my problem, while it is actually his from my point of view. I no longer want this trouble. What should I do? I want him to choose me over his addiction because no matter what people say, it definately is an addiction!
It frustrates him so much, and it hurts me, too, to see him struggle. Does anyone know what to do? I feel so lonely in my struggle!
Hi Sheila, thanks for your reply! I feel like I should clarify some things. First of all, my comment that he seems to think it is my problem was said mostly out of emotion and frustration, and I did not mean he thinks pornography is my problem, but the fighting I need to do every time. Like I said, he is very open about it, bacause he desperately wants to get rid of it.
It breaks both our hearts, not only mine. We pray about it frequently, and he has told some other men to get it into the open. All that said, I do indeed hesitate marrying him while he is still addicted. I just wanted to encourage any wives out there. The despair I felt was and sometimes do feel still was enormous.
I did not see any light at the end of the tunnel. My husband grew up around pornography openly as a teen in his home. It was his sex education. That was where he learned everything from. We did not grow up in a Christian home. I did catch him with it a few times and each time it devastated me.
Well two years ago I found it again my world feel apart completely. But the things I learned about my husband I would have never learned had we not gone through it.
I hate to admit it but some very good came from it. He had already got a distorted idea of what sex was. What he learned was not reality or how sex really is supposed casual encounters manhattan be. I am very happy! That and I had more experience than him unfortunately! And he thought he must be doing things all wrong.
I must not be satisfied because I am not reacting like the other women are. He would think maybe there is something he could learn from there to help us.
And there was no problem! I was very happy! But I was very satisfied and he was to. There was something from his past that made him very insecure that I had not known about all these years. And after he talked to me about it everything made sense all these years!
But that is kind of hard to think you are doing things right when porn is what you think is real!! But longer story shorter! It took a lot of communication over the last two years to get to this point.
And if you have just found out your husband has looked at porn you may feel like everything is falling apart. But not all men that are struggling with porn does it for the women.
He was very ashamed of it and never made any excuses. He was very sorry. But most men not all, some are can be selfish need to know they are PLEASING their wives and that their wives WANT them sexually!! That is part of their enjoyment in it knowing they are pleasing you! I now show him more I am enjoying it more so he sees that! Or after let him know how much I needed that! But that is where all the communicating helped on both sides! I also pof dating service to my husband if his goal was to truly please me then he was looking to the wrong thing to show him this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women to do for me!
For one that is fake and two all women are different! I told him ask me what I like and I can show you, tell you, etc! And that has been real fun!!! I realize every situation is different but I am hoping that our situation can encourage someone out there!!
It was a really dark time in life! And it was all communication that got us there! But doing that has helped save us some arguments or clear them up faster! But hopefully our story can encourage someone out there! Great article and great blog. Thank you for things you talk about. I started watching porn when I was really young. When I was older I watched it a lot. Before I was married I went to a counselor to talk about issues I was having at the time including the porn watching, this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women.
I really thought I had gotten over it. I admitted to my wife after my first counseling appointment about the porn. I told the counselor about the porn on the next visit. The counselor explained the effects of watching porn does. I wanted do some more research and I found your website. I read the entire article and I can honestly say, everything in is true.
I experienced everything on his list for my entire marriage. I would like to say my wife and I worked everything out. It was too late. Because of my attitude and my viewing this material, my wife wants a divorce and is planning on leaving me. I have spent more time with God the last two weeks than I have in the last few years. Watching porn can ruin a marriage. It can make into a selfish human being.
If I knew what I know now, I would have postponed my wedding. It is something I thought would not hurt a relationship. I can say it hurt a relationship and people around you. Thank you for posting this. That you so much, Dave, for sharing your story. But I do believe that you can be fully restored and live a much bigger life now that your secret is out and you are fighting it.
I pray that your wife will see that God is doing a great work in you. Dave, I am praying for you and your wife. God is in the reconciliation business after all brother. My wife and I are back together after five years. Stu Stuart recently posted… Dear Struggling Friend Great article is there a way to email it to a person to show them the devastating effects that porn has? Does that make sense? As an ex porn addict I can personally attest to everything you have shared as being true.
Guys get out while you can. Seek an accountability partner that you can trust and start the recovery process. It is this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women to quit and stay that way. Seek God and allow him to change your desires to be only for your wife and no one else.
First step: tell someone who can hold you accountable. Third step: get involved in a Celebrate Recovery group at a church in your city if you google it you should find it. You need all three of those steps. I have been in the group for about a month. I have an accountability partner I talk to daily.
It really helps with dealing with everyday temptations. Remember there us no quick fix. Being open and honest will really help with recovery.
I still have a long way to go. So many go through this. But there is hope! First, you HAVE to stop the porn. God really can help heal you. I hope that book helps! But recently I went on an overseas holiday, which kept me busy all day and without much internet access at night.
My sex life almost instantly improved. I was able to have regular intercourse most nights. When we got home, back on the internet, back on the porn, dreadful sex again. So I have a belief that your sex life can change quickly if you stop looking at porn!! Brutal lives many people live. I feel sorry for each and every person caught in the trap of porn in their relationships.
It does not just go away no more than alcoholic wishes the desire of alcohol would go away. It can subside for a while but rage back with more force. Young age is typically when kids get hooked. They need to know the facts and what their future lives are at stake with this trash. Easier said then done, but saying nothing means you do not care and they will accept silence as consent. So many people struggling with porn and need a safe place to heal!
If you would like to help others get one on one help, please check out our page. This video made me think, and realise that I CAN go without porn. The key is to walk in the Spirit, and not in the flesh. Thanks be to God!!! My husband has viewed porn since he was a teenager. Shortly after we got married, he started introducing kinky things into our sex life. I told him these things made me uncomfortable but he said I was closed-minded and it was all just for good fun.
It turned me off to sex so I started refusing sex altogether. The affair is over but we are really struggling now. I forgave him for the affair and I want to make my marriage work, but I realize now that the porn has made it impossible for me to feel loved by him in the bedroom and he does not want to change. But I will tell you that nothing is impossible with God, and that I have seen couples with long-entrenched problems come out on the other side, if he really decides he wants to change.
Take a stand for what is right. I think it will help you figure out how to confront him and draw boundaries. And then definitely talk to your counselor about it! But I ant to free from it. From today I will try my level best to remove the bad habit from me.
Not too much like sometimes once in a week and i really feel horrible after doing it. A few months back i was fully determined to let this curse fly out of my life but i relapsed.
And now after reading all this this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women soo scared and worried that what have i done We all need some assistance in this matter Its like cheating on your spouses.
It is like cheating on your spouse. You would want her to do the dirty things that those dirty people do in those nasty videos which arent even natural.
This is just destroying everything Im also a victim i really dont wanna end up like the people in these comments i really love my wife to be and i can never ever even think to cheat on her i never want to her even a bit i want her to feel safe and protected with me rather than abused and insecure. We all should help eachother and ask God for help, this is one way that men can contribute to the destruction of sexual objectification of women. We have to stop all this if we want to save our lives.
This is really dangerous and a sin too We all are just gathering up stuff for hell. I really dont wanna end up like the people in the previous comments May God help us all.